A Love Letter

Dear Kids (because you'll always be my kids),

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How am I doing? Have you noticed I've been trying to leave you alone?

I've been very careful not to phone, or email, or text too much. I try not to pry. Or second-guess your decisions.

When you are home and go out in the evening, I do my best to only say good-bye and not ask where you're going.

All in all, I think I'm doing a decent job of letting go and letting you become an adult not tied to the old apron strings. Not that I claim I'm always doing this right, but I think I'm improving and I want you to know I'm trying not to be that annoying mother who insists on clinging to her babies.

But. . .

Don't you think you could call once in a while? Or, perhaps send a quick email. Or even just a text saying, "Hi." Is that really too much to ask? It doesn't even have to be once a week. Maybe once every other week.

I know you're busy, but so am I. And I'll never be too busy to talk to you.

So 

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Love,
Mama

Change is Good, Right?

I have been dreading this week for months. It is the week my newlywed daughter and her husband move

to Peru. For five years. And I don't mean Peru, Nebraska.

This most excellent couple is pursuing Scott's dream of several years, helping Peruvians grow and develop businesses. Want to know how they'll be doing it? Visit here.

It's difficult, being excited and sad all at once. Excited because of the wonderful work they hope to do and because of all the ways God may be glorified through their efforts. Sad because I am going to miss my girl.

We go on weekend adventures together, spur each other on to achieve whatever our hopes may be, and share what God is showing us and how He is working in our lives. So often, He is leading us on parallel paths, teaching us the same lessons.

They have been packing up their lives. Choosing which few items travel to South America, what lives in Mama and Daddy's attic, and what finds a new home. My girl and I have discussed minimalism many times; she will finally be practicing it.

And so, My girl experiences her next transition, leaving a comfortable and familiar life to pursue a completely new life, learn a new language, do a new work, and live in a vastly different culture.

I'm excited, really, I am. But I can't help crying too.

Just the Before

It wasn't his main point, only a brief comment before beginning his sermon.

Yesterday, the Pastor said, "The Devil only shows you the before, not the after." His example was seeing a commercial or advertisement of a couple enjoying a drink and how appealing it looks. That's the before. The after is many years down the road and a person hospitalized and dying of cirrhosis of the liver.

Whether someone drinks or not isn't the point and I hope no one gets caught up in the alcohol versus not-alcohol debate. The point is how appealing the Devil can make sin appear. And we only see the fun parts, the enjoyable parts, the exciting parts of a sinful choice. We don't see the repercussions, the hurt, the danger, the sorrow those innocent-seeming sinful choices can lead to.

Some of my family members are deeply hurt and wounded by sinful choices a friend has made. Although this person may think his choices are only affecting him, they're not. They are impacting his family, his friends, his friends' families (as we try to help our kids deal with their hurt and anger), and who knows who else?

Somewhere down the road (we hope), he will realize the destructiveness of his behavior and make a U-turn. However, damage has already been done and some things won't be able to be altered or repaired.

The scripture that runs over and over in my head is:

By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin.  He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward (Hebrews 11:24-26).

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This 'n That

The hills are alive with the sound of . . . cicadas. If you live on the east coast, you know what I mean. The 17 year cicadas woke up a few weeks ago leaving holes in the ground; dozens of disgusting carcasses (shells? casings? larva?) littering the deck, sidewalk, lawn, etc., and filling the air with an incessant buzzing. They almost drown out the sound of all my neighbors' lawn mowers!

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My next door neighbor has tons more cicadas than we do. Who knows why? But my poor hydrangea bush, relocated from the side garden to the front garden earlier this spring, looks horrible. These very large, red-eyed pests seem partial to some shrubbery while ignoring the rest.

Speaking of pests, I am on the lookout for ants. They have invaded my kitchen annually for the last several years and while we've had some individual sightings, no large infestation yet. Another reason why we are delighted to have had such a long, cool spring. (You will notice that I did not use any bug pictures, ugh.)

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My three sons have been home for a couple of weeks for their summer breaks and it is back to buying three gallons of milk per week. A small price to pay for their company. Looking for jobs and low-priced cars are on some of their agendas. 

Summer cooking is always a challenge. I avoid using the stove and oven, and grilled food starts to taste the same after a while, so I frequently prepare cold dishes. Because I'm always on the lookout for something new, please share any and all of your favorite summer main dishes with me. Please, please, please?

Tomorrow will start a string of hot, humid days in the 90s, so I baked five loaves of bread this morning keeping out one and freezing the other four. They came out looking beautiful, which is rewarding since my last few batches were mediocre. Again, who knows why?

Since I use my slow cooker all year long (sometimes putting it outside in the summer), I started dinner while my bread was baking. And in a Transitional-Woman first, I'd love to share a recipe provided by my friend Jodi in Indiana. It doesn't look very pretty, but everyone loves it and I've substituted all over the place when I have run out of one of the five ingredients (don't you love it already, only five ingredients).

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1. Take frozen chicken breasts (or thighs, boneless is easier, but bone-in works too), however many you want and put in your slow cooker.

2. Pour a jar of salsa over the chicken (I have used diced or stewed tomatoes when I've run out of salsa, but add some spicy seasonings if you do this).

3. Drain and rinse a can or two of black beans (depends on how many breasts you cook, can also use kidney beans or any of your favorite beans) and toss in.

4. Cook on high about 4 hours or low about 7.

5. Use two forks (it's easier to use big meat forks) and shred the chicken (now you know why boneless chicken works better).

6. Chop up an 8 ounce package of cream cheese (I use low fat) and mix into the pot (I have also used low fat sour cream instead).

7. Add about 8 ounces of frozen corn or a can of corn and mix.

8. Cook for 20-30 more minutes.

9. Serve over rice (brown is better for you :) ).

10. Make a green salad and you've got a great dinner. The leftovers are lovely too.

That's enough this 'n that from me for one day. What have you been up to?

What Does it Take to be a Mentor?

Recently, while we were vacationing with our family and my daughter's new in-laws, her mother-in-law shared how she believes the Lord wants her to become more involved in mentoring younger women.

Her dilemma is that she hopes to be moving this year and does not know if she should begin mentoring women in her present church or wait until she moves and establishes relationships with a new group of women.

My daughter has mentored two teen girls over the last two or three years and two of my sons have sought mentors. I have observed several things.

• A mentor has to be willing to commit their time. There is no way to mentor without meeting together regularly. I suppose this can also be done via telephone or email. However, there seems to be something about communicating face-to-face that encourages trust and bonding.
• Praying for your mentored person is a necessary component of the relationship. It is easy for us to respond with our own advice, but God's council could be very different.
• Let them talk. A few years ago I met with a young homeschool mom who wanted advice regarding how to organize her homeschool day and still maintain a reasonably clean home. As we met and spoke for several hours over coffee, it became apparent that her real need was help with the relationship between she and her husband. If I had immediately charged in and began giving advice, she might never have gotten to the root of the problem she really needed help with.
• Be consistent. If you plan to meet every week, set the time aside and treat it as an unbreakable date otherwise every life interruption becomes a reason not to meet and the relationship falls apart.
• Treat your mentoree with respect. They might be decades younger than you or just a few years, but that does not make you a life expert. A mentor is a guide, a support, and an encourager, not a prophet from on high.

My daughter continues to mentor a high school student, her other mentoree has gone on to college. Both of these lovely young women contributed toward making her wedding day special by assisting with various small tasks.

My sons? Not so much success. The men they met with, men they respected and admired did not follow through for very long. Meetings were cancelled and my sons were not contacted. They both felt rejected and undervalued. The saddest part is that my sons felt these were both strong men of faith who they hoped would help guide them in their walk with Christ. I continue to pray for committed mentors for all three of my sons because while parents are great, being able to talk to another mature adult with a different perspective is invaluable.

Linking up with Kate at Teaching What is Good











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Empty Nest, or So They Say

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

Bill Cosby

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Our nest is in the process of emptying, but slower than expected.

The typical expectation seems to be: child graduates from high school, gets a job and moves out; or goes to college, graduates and moves out.

It has been different for our family. One child graduated from college and moved back home for about three years, moving out when she married last month. Another child worked and went to community college part-time over several years while living at home. He is now a full-time university student living on campus. Another son has also gone the community college route while living at home, hopes to transfer to university in the fall and live on campus. Son three graduated from high school, headed to university and lives on campus.

Our sons will probably live at home during most school breaks, but will they live at home after graduation? Who knows? There is graduate school, marriage, finding jobs - so many variables.

We have experienced the occasional stress and strain of young adults trying to spread their wings, but still living under the eye of their parents. They are autonomous, but not. We are all still learning the steps to this sometimes awkward dance. My husband and I step back, they move forward, all of us trying not to step on each others toes.

However, there have been some unexpected benefits to our not-so-empty nest. As they live at home, they have the advantages of building up a nest egg, paying off student loans and having the money to buy a car.

But the best part is the great conversation. We survived the days of  "Why is the sky blue Mama," and "Would you clean your room!" Now we discuss and debate religion, politics, philosophy, music and every other topic imaginable. So I plan to enjoy my kid while they are still flying in and out of the nest because it will be an empty one soon enough.

College? Bring it On

I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain.

John Adams

There many directions I could take in choosing to write about the transition to college life. As a mother of four kids whose youngest entered college in August, I could share important tidbits you need to know to prepare for college. I could tell you even more things you as the parent of a college-bound child need to know.

And since I homeschooled my children for 17 years, I have even more valuable advice to share about the transition for kids from education-at-home to the free-for-all life of a dorm-living college student.

I'm not going to tell you any of that. I want to extol the benefits I have reaped as the mother of college kids. 

I can sleep in as late as I want now. No more dragging the kids out of bed so we can begin our school day. (I work from home as a free-lance editor so I can begin my work day at noon if I want and work at night if I want.)

I cook a lot less food a lot less often, and I don't have to grocery shop as much.

People think I should be nominated for sainthood because I homeschooled for so many years and my children have grown into normal adults.

The highlights of my year are no longer the gigantic homeschool convention, the monthly homeschool meeting and yearly mom's retreat, or getting curriculum catalogs in the mail. Since my life is no longer kid and school focused, I can do fun things like to go a sheep and wool festival (maybe not fun to you, but glorious for me and it sure beats back-to-back soccer games on a Saturday).

Vacations don't have to be educational anymore. I went By Myself, no husband, no kids, on vacation last fall and hung out eating, knitting, shopping, laughing and talking with some of my best buddies for five days.

So you see, adjusting to college or having your kids grow up and go to college doesn't have to be the traumatic event some writers warn about. In my opinion? College is great.

Welcome to the Blogging from A-Z April Challenge 2013. I'm aiming for short, entertaining and occasionally insightful posts. Topics addressing transitions are the goal . . . but we'll see.

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Leaving a Legacy

I have noticed the last few U.S. presidents seem concerned about the type of legacy they will leave behind. While I would rather they just concentrated on their responsibilities as outlined in the Constitution (if you would like to know what those are check here), I realize they are only human, like me, and want to be remembered with appreciation, not abhorrence, when they leave office.

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The legacy I will leave behind has not really been a thought I have considered much. But while reading my Bible today, I came across these verses from Isaiah 44:3-5:

"I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants. They will spring up like grass in a meadow,  like poplar trees by flowing streams. Some will say, ‘I belong to the Lord'; others will call themselves by the name of Jacob; still others will write on their hand, ‘The Lord's,’  and will take the name Israel."

My legacy is not as important to me as my children's and my children's children's relationship with God. Praying that my children would know and love the Lord was of paramount importance to me as they grew up. Now that they are adults and they do know and love the Lord, I pray different things for them (more about that next week).

I doubt that I will be remembered by many people after I have been gone for a few decades, but I think a legacy I would like to leave behind would be generation after generation of my husband's and my descendants saying, "I belong to the Lord."

Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, a young man and woman went to bed tired but content after a long, full day raising their four happy and busy little children. The next morning they woke up, not so young anymore and the parents of four happy and busy young adults.

It seems like our children grew up overnight, and while the story of my life and my husband's life are past the middle chapters of our life books, the stories of our kid's lives are still in their opening chapters.

I wish I could write some of the chapters of their story because then I could ensure a happy ending for each of them. But I can't, and to a large extent they can't write their life stories either. They will make choices and decisions that will fill some of their pages, but twists and turns will occur that they could never imagine. 

I want to smooth out the bumps in the road, erase the hard parts and delete the sorrow. I want to kiss their boo-boos and make it all better like I did when they were toddlers. I want to ensure they have a happily ever after. But would they become the strong, independent adults they could be if I kept trying to rescue them? 

Their stories are still mysteries, as is the rest of mine. We'll all just have to keep reading to see how they turn out.

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Call Me Coach

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I've reflected on my changing roll as a mother frequently this year since my youngest turned 18 and legally, I'm no longer responsible for him or any of my children.

I metaphorically throw up my hands in frustration when I sometimes see my young adults making less than stellar choices, or making no choices at all, which is often worse.

Talking with friends who have adult children, we agree it is harder parenting them now than it was when they were young, mainly because we used to be able to tell our children what to do and they did it.  Now we can tell them what to do and they just ignore us.

Since I'm not Mommy anymore, I have found there are other roles to fill more beneficial to my adults/kids.  So, call me coach.  This is one roll I can fill.  I can encourage.  I can help them set goals (if they ask). I can help develop a life plan (because I want them to succeed).  A life coach, right?

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I asked my daughter exactly what a life coach did because I wasn't sure.  After she explained, I said, "It's a Mommy, right?"  She agreed that there were parallels.  A life coach appears to help one analyze his life, experiences, hopes, plans and dreams in order to devise a plan to determine, devise and eventually reach his goals.

Did you have someone in your life to coach you as a young adult?  Unfortunately, I didn't but, in retrospect, I could have benefited from that type of support and coaching. That's one of my goals now, to coach my kids.  To help them make a plan and devise benchmarks in order to reach their goals and dreams.

They don't need me to tell them what to do, but I want to be available to be a coach if that's what it takes to assist them along the path to adulthood.

Adult Children - Adults? Children?

So, you know they're adults, but they're also still your children.  One of the most confusing transitions I'm dealing with (and I know I'm not alone) is being the parent of adult children.  Of  my four children only one is still under 18, but that will change in just a few weeks.

The first question is, how did these babies get to be grown-ups so quickly?  The second question is, how do you stop being Mommy?  The third question is how do you stop viewing them as children and see and treat them like the adults they are?  I know several moms with young adult children struggling with the same issues I struggle with.

You think that if you've done your parenting job correctly, your children will be mature, capable people ready to take on the world.  The reality is, life throws curves at all of us.  There are students who decide to change their college majors,  tough classes and some failing grades that slow things down,  changing colleges and credits that don't transfer, unplanned pregnancies, young people who don't want to go to college and aren't sure what to do next, student loans that need to be paid back, bad economies and a tough job market and a dozen other dilemmas.

And sometimes you see your children making decisions you just don't think are wise, but what do you say and how much do you say?  The one thing we parents of adult children have in common is that we all want the best for our kids.  We hope for them to be happy, successful in whatever way they define success, and for those of us who are Christians, we hope for our children to love God and live their lives for Him.

I keep trying to remember, how did I feel at their age?

I remember thinking I was more than capable of making my own decisions, but I grew up in a much less stable home than they did and had to grow up pretty quickly so my story is different.  But, really, when I second guess their choices and think about how I might do things differently, I am being unfair to them. I am treating them like children instead of adults, and that is insulting and disrespectful toward them.

Whether they continue to live at home for a while, which they all currently are, or soon head out in other directions to pursue the path God has laid out for them, I will continue to enjoy their company, glean from their wisdom and insights, love them, encourage them, pray for them and try to keep my mouth shut.


Welcome to Day 1, Letter A of the Blogging From A to Z Challenge, hope you'll stay tuned all the way through to Letter Z.




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