How to Make it to the Big 50

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My husband and I attended a 50th anniversary party Saturday. Surrounded by their four children, many grandchildren, extended family, and friends, they celebrated a life that probably was not what they envisioned on the day they married.

This couple met at a carnival in Cuba, where they were born. My friend Gloria and her sister snuck out of their house to visit the carnival. She met up with a boy she liked, and when he got a little fresh, decided she didn't like him after all, but that hardly mattered because that was the night she met her future husband.

This teen-aged couple married six months later, so they're only in their 60s with many years ahead of them. The only thing is, I'm not sure they even like each other, but like and love can look different in other people's marriages. All I know is that not one golden anniversary kiss was exchanged, and while I often visit Gloria, I don't see much affection exchanged.

What does it take to arrive at a 50th anniversary and still love your spouse? We still have 23 years to go before reaching that milestone, but on reflection, I think these pieces need to be part of that puzzle picture:

• forgiveness
• persistence
• commitment
• selflessness
• deafness
• blindness
• determination
• realism
• patience
• friendship
• acceptance
• sense of humor
• teamwork
• sacrifice
• respect
• love.

What do you think should be on this list?

Modern Fit

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I recently bought two new pairs of pants to replace some wide legged, front pleated (and yes, I'll confess - too tight) Mom pants. The attached tags read, "Modern Fit." They are narrow legged, flat front and quite stylish looking. I feel very Modern when I wear them.

The older I get the harder it is to discover what Modern is. How do younger people know what's trending? For that matter how did I know when I was in my teens and 20s? There wasn't social media to tell me what was what.

My next question is, why should it even matter? It does, though, to me at least. I like to look good. I style my hair and wear makeup and earrings everyday even if I don't plan to leave the house.

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Shortly after my second child was born and I became a SAHM, I promised myself I wouldn't turn into a drudge. No elastic waist sweat pants. No old, ratty tee shirts. Makeup. Nice hair. There are many women in the workforce looking for a nice man like my husband for their very own. I wanted to make sure he had something good to come home to.

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More than two decades have passed and I kept my promise to myself. I do my
best to keep myself looking good (well, except those stubborn 15 pounds). Not only because of my husband, but for me. If I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I look nice, it makes me happy.

For that reason alone, it's worth the effort.

Marriage is a Melding

The ritual of marriage is not simply a social event; it is a crossing of threads in the fabric of fate. Many strands bring the couple and their families together and spin their lives into a fabric that is woven on their children.

Portuguese-Jewish wedding ceremony

Our daughter was married last month and here is a photo of those from our side of the family who were able to attend. Many were missing, but we were happy to see those who came.

However, with the simple words, "I do," our family grew.

Our daughter has married into a wonderful family, whom we now view as our family too. A marriage is not only the melding of two individuals into one, but the joining of two families. We now share a son and a daughter and perhaps, someday, another generation.

We are a blessed family, enriched through the adding of new members. Within our hearts is enough love to spread far and wide, and we are hoping, by God's grace, to embrace future daughters-in-law and their families too.

Empty Nest, or So They Say

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

Bill Cosby

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Our nest is in the process of emptying, but slower than expected.

The typical expectation seems to be: child graduates from high school, gets a job and moves out; or goes to college, graduates and moves out.

It has been different for our family. One child graduated from college and moved back home for about three years, moving out when she married last month. Another child worked and went to community college part-time over several years while living at home. He is now a full-time university student living on campus. Another son has also gone the community college route while living at home, hopes to transfer to university in the fall and live on campus. Son three graduated from high school, headed to university and lives on campus.

Our sons will probably live at home during most school breaks, but will they live at home after graduation? Who knows? There is graduate school, marriage, finding jobs - so many variables.

We have experienced the occasional stress and strain of young adults trying to spread their wings, but still living under the eye of their parents. They are autonomous, but not. We are all still learning the steps to this sometimes awkward dance. My husband and I step back, they move forward, all of us trying not to step on each others toes.

However, there have been some unexpected benefits to our not-so-empty nest. As they live at home, they have the advantages of building up a nest egg, paying off student loans and having the money to buy a car.

But the best part is the great conversation. We survived the days of  "Why is the sky blue Mama," and "Would you clean your room!" Now we discuss and debate religion, politics, philosophy, music and every other topic imaginable. So I plan to enjoy my kid while they are still flying in and out of the nest because it will be an empty one soon enough.

Wed-i-quette

First, many apologies for my absence and sporadic posting for the last several weeks. Flesh and blood life can become all-consuming and over-full at times so something has to give. For me, it was writing and reading blogs.

I have had so many ideas and experiences I want to share, but I'm usually thinking about them in bed before I fall asleep and I never, ever remember them when I wake up. But what follows is a first-hand experience I've learned from and I hope you'll find it helpful too.

My daughter was married earlier this month. She is our first child to be married and our only daughter, so we're not likely to have this same experience again as parents of future grooms, but I believe some of the lessons learned apply whether you are a bride, groom or parents of either.

My List of Wedding Etiquette

1. Please send your RSVP as soon as possible. Quantities of food, wedding programs, seating and favors all depend on the number of guests. The sooner the guest count is in, the sooner those other details can be finalized. I am very, very guilty of not sending in RSVPs until the last minute - even when I know well in advance whether or not I will be attending an event. Shame on me.
2. Please make your own arrangements to and from the airport. We are all very busy that last week leading up to the wedding. Having to also fit in airport trips is very inconvenient. Picking up guests during rush hour is stressful and time consuming. Returning them to the airport before dawn following the wedding is exhausting for already exhausted people.
3. Please don't be offended if the bride, groom or parents do not visit with you personally at the wedding. We all tried our best to make sure everyone was greeted, but there just wasn't enough time to hold long conversations with everyone. We were blessed and pleased by your presence and would have spoken to you longer if possible.
4. Please be sensitive to the new couple's needs. I do not really like gift registries. I prefer to buy something with a personal meaning that will hopefully be cherished for decades. However, through my daughter's experience, I've learned there may be very good reasons a couple requests - or does not request - certain gifts.  My daughter and son-in-law will be moving to Peru for about five years this fall. They cannot afford to ship box loads of gifts, and it is much less expensive to purchase many items for their future home in Peru. So while I still prefer the personal touch, sometimes money is truly the best gift.
5. If the families of the bride or groom, in a moment of temporary insanity, invite you to be a guest at their home instead of staying at a hotel, say NO. The days preceding the wedding, when I should have been concentrating on wedding preparations, were spent cleaning house, cooking food ahead of time and rearranging sleeping accommodations in anticipation of house guests. All things I would not have bothered to do if extended family was not going to stay with us. Also, please don't stay for an extended visit after the wedding. We were TIRED. Having to entertain guests the week after the wedding just added to the feeling of exhaustion.

There you have it, my special wedding etiquette tips which might or might not ever show up in any other published wedding etiquette guide. Do you agree or disagree with any of the tips or do you have any you'd love to add? Feel free to join the discussion in the comment section.

Post-Wedding Let Down?

I expected to feel a post-wedding let down after my daughter's marriage on Saturday (a brag post with photos will follow soon :) ). But, there hasn't been time.

We have had house guests, one of whom my son and I took to the airport at 4:45 a.m. yesterday and another who will continue to visit until Saturday. My youngest son is home from college for spring break. One of our cars broke down during the crammed-full pre-wedding days so juggling car schedules was added into the mix.

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And today? Well, we're having what we in the south call a snow storm. An inch of snow is considered a storm in our area, but we're actually in the middle of  a snowfall that may reach 8 inches. The upside is that everyone stayed home from work and the house is cozy and warm because I always have a desire to bake on days like this.

I expect life to slow down a little next week when everything returns to normal and then there should be time to think about the changes my daughter's marriage will bring to our family dynamic. She will no longer be living in our home and she and her husband will be moving to Peru later this year. Transitions, transitions . . .

Wedding Bells

My daughter will be married this weekend and begin one of the biggest transitions of her life.  We plan to love this new son as much as we love our own three sons.

And while I optimistically thought I would have time to post this week, well, I was helping fold wedding programs at 9 p.m. last night and today am cleaning the house top to bottom in anticipation of my mother-in-law's 10-day visit.

I hope to get back on track next week reading my favorite blogger's adventures and writing a couple posts of my own, maybe I'll even post a wedding picture or two :)

Now off to approach my next transition, becoming a mother-in-law.

Image: antpkr/freedigitalphotos.net

Reducing Divorce Rates

Wedding dress shopping with my daughter continues, and the bridal salon is proving to be an excellent place for people watching.

After three forays into the realm of white, ivory, lace, peals, ruffles, chiffon, satin and sequins, I believe I've discovered a way to reduce divorce rates. Men need to accompany their fiancees while they shop for the perfect gown.

How would this help divorce rates? Well after watching the woman of their dreams in action at the bridal store, I think many of these men would yank that engagement ring off their gal's finger and head for the hills leaving no forwarding address.

The spoiled, whining, demanding, diva-ish behavior is almost frightening to watch. What are most likely normally nice women turn into prima donnas of the first order while shopping for a bridal gown.

It also appears that the bad behavior is directly related to the number of other women (mother, aunts, grandmothers, bridesmaids) accompanying the bride-to-be. In the search for a perfect dress to be showcased at a fairy-tale wedding, some women lose control, forget they ever learned good manners and think they're queen of the world.

My comments sound harsh, but while accompanying my daughter, and my niece two years ago, I've observed a number of brides so I'm not making this up.  If you don't believe me, stroll around a bridal salon one Saturday afternoon and see for yourself.

So, I think the custom of surprising the groom at the altar with a vision of bridal loveliness should be abolished. The groom might be in a better position to really determine if he wants to marry his woman if he sees her in action as she seeks the perfect gown.

And perhaps, in order for the bride to make a final determination about the integrity of her groom, she should attend his bachelor party.


Image source:  10incheslab/Freedigitalphotos.net

Alert! Transition Ahead (No Joke)

Being of Polish decent, I've heard more than my share of jokes regarding my nationality, particularly when I was a single woman with a very obviously Polish last name.  Added to that, I am also blonde so that is another joke pool of which I am a part.

However, with this new and exciting transition ahead, I'm afraid I'll face an even greater glut of jokes because in 2013 for the first time I will become a mother-in-law.


That's right.  Mr. and Mrs. Transitional-Woman will be welcoming a son-in-law into our family.  He is a fine man and we are glad to enfold him into the collective family bosom.

An engagement, and subsequent enlarging of the family, wasn't one of the transitions we expected this year, but it is a joyful tiding and we're looking forward to getting to know our future son-in-law better in the crazily busy months we're expecting to live through during the remainder of 2012 and the first quarter of 2013.

Long before any of our children were of marriageable age, I prayed that I would love my future children-in-law as much as I love my birth children.  I don't want to be one of those mother-in-laws who is critical and interfering, but one who is supportive, loving and encouraging.

So if you know any good mother-in-law jokes, please feel free not to share them with me, but I am open to all the good advice you have to offer.