While grief is fresh, every effort to divert irritates. You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it.
Samuel Johnson
- It is unfair to compare and judge the length and depth of how one grieves with how another grieves. One friend was devastated for several years by her miscarriage and did not want to be around babies at all for a few years. Another friend processed the same loss more quickly and did not have the same reaction to newborns. Neither friend did it "right" or did it "wrong". They just felt the effects of death differently.
- Think before you speak. I have heard an amazing amount of thoughtless remarks addressed to grieving people. If you don't know what to say, try, "I'm so sorry."
- Offer practical and specific help. Saying, "Call if you need anything," is kind, but saying, "Can I mow your lawn and bring you dinner next Monday?" is more tangible. It is difficult to think clearly during the fog of fresh grief, and impossible to think about what that "anything you might need" could be.
- Sometimes just being present is enough. You do not need to offer solutions, explanations, suggestions or even comforting words. Sitting quietly together and being willing to listen is all you have to do.
Welcome to the Blogging from A-Z April Challenge 2013. I'm aiming for short, entertaining and occasionally insightful posts. Topics addressing transitions are the goal . . . but we'll see.
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Elizabeth, this is a much needed post. One never wants to make someone who is grieving feel bad. When my close friends husband died, I would go stay all night with her and not say a word, she just needed someone in the house. Again a much needed post, very practical. Thanks for visiting my post.
ReplyDeleteI always enjoy reading your posts. You are one of my regular stops.
DeleteI agree with Betty that this post is very needed. Everyone reacts differently to losing a special person, and I think we sometimes forget that. Thanks for checking out my blog!
ReplyDeleteYes, great suggestions here. I usually say very little because I'm at a lose of words when seeing others in pain.
ReplyDeleteI think, when interacting with grieving people, saying too little might be better than saying too much. I sincerely think one's presence is often enough.
DeleteVery true. Everyone is different. :) Very needed post.
ReplyDeleteWe recently had to deal with the loss of a young man. My young adult children experienced the helpless feeling of not being able to help or find the right words.
ReplyDeleteWe're never prepared to handle our own grief, let alone the grief of others. It is a great sadness when a young person passes.
DeleteWonderful advice Elizabeth I wish most people were as sensitive as you and your commenters are.
ReplyDeleteCan I add one?
Please NEVER say these things happen for a reason.
I had someone say that to me when my children (23 & 30 died in the accident)it was like a knife in my heart. It was terribly a insensitive thing to say and a very painful thing to hear.
Jen, you're the one who should have written this post. You know better than me about dealing with death and grief. I'm still sad when I think about the great loss you have faced.
DeleteThis is wonderful advice!
ReplyDeleteSo true.
ReplyDeleteWe are all different and our experiences will be processed differently too.
Sometimes, the person who is grieving doesn't want you to say anything at all. Your presence is enough.
http://writer-in-transit.co.za/
Lovely, really useful advice. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great theme for A to Z! And a lovely post. Thank you.
ReplyDeletewww.diaryofasquaretoothedgirl.blogspot.com
One of my biggest fears about losing my mother about 5 months ago was how my children would react because they were very close to her. It was interesting to see how each dealt with it all in their own way. Grief is something we all have to go through, so understanding that everyone is different is crucial! Beautiful suggestions! :)
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who lost her son last year and she wrote a post about the top things to not say to a grieving person. Most of the things on the list were the very things I hear most people say. Very touching piece.
ReplyDeleteDropping by from the A to Z Challenge. It's my first year.
Brett Minor
Transformed Nonconformist