It's been almost a year since my mother died and I legally became an orphan.
Having no living parents or grandparents gives one an odd feeling of un-connectedness. I have a husband, children, a sister and sister-in-law, a brother and brother-in law, a niece and nephew-in-law, numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and my husband's huge extended family.
So it's not like I'm alone in the world, but the knowledge that one doesn't have a mom or dad to turn to in troubled times feels lonely. My dad died when I was 13 and my mother and I were not close, so it's not like I was in the habit of confiding in her. I can't explain it, exactly.
It was more like feeling bereft, adrift, floating in the water in a boat with no oars, sails or motor.
Even though I felt like I'd been on my own in many ways since I was in my teens, there was still a feeling of loss. And a feeling of envy for women I know who are closely linked to their mothers. In view of my feeling of envy I realize that my feelings of loss are for what I never did have, a close connection to my mother.
There is no going back and changing the past - even if it were possible, only the ability to go forward and have a different kind of relationship with my daughter.
Blogging A - Z Challenge, the letter O