Having no living parents or grandparents gives one an odd feeling of un-connectedness. I have a husband, children, a sister and sister-in-law, a brother and brother-in law, a niece and nephew-in-law, numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and my husband's huge extended family.
So it's not like I'm alone in the world, but the knowledge that one doesn't have a mom or dad to turn to in troubled times feels lonely. My dad died when I was 13 and my mother and I were not close, so it's not like I was in the habit of confiding in her. I can't explain it, exactly.
It was more like feeling bereft, adrift, floating in the water in a boat with no oars, sails or motor.
Even though I felt like I'd been on my own in many ways since I was in my teens, there was still a feeling of loss. And a feeling of envy for women I know who are closely linked to their mothers. In view of my feeling of envy I realize that my feelings of loss are for what I never did have, a close connection to my mother.
There is no going back and changing the past - even if it were possible, only the ability to go forward and have a different kind of relationship with my daughter.
Image source
Hi, E. -
ReplyDeleteHmmmm... different 'details,' but similar situations... I 'relate totally' to your feelings of 'loss of what we didn't have'... I tried SO hard to have it turn out differently for my daughter and me...and She's made choices that have pretty much left me out of Her life... Sooo... I'm 'orphaned' on Both sides...! ;-/ Thanks for sharing -
You are in a hard and, it sounds like, lonely place. I pray for reconciliation in this relationship.
DeleteElizabeth, this is a wonderful post --- vulnerable, honest and real.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I often wonder what it is like for my own mother, who lost my grandmother almost twenty years ago.
Thank you for your insight.
Praying.